


When We Were Young

by youthdreams



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Captain America: Steve Rogers, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Based on an Adele Song, Captain America: The First Avenger, Captain America: The First Avenger Compliant, Captain America: The First Avenger Spoilers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Hydra (Marvel), M/M, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Post-Serum, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-World War II, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-War, Pre-World War II Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, SONG: When We Were Young, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, War Veteran Steve Rogers, When We Were Young by Adele
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-18 23:20:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19344742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youthdreams/pseuds/youthdreams
Summary: “Stop living in the past, man. This is the future! We’re finally living, Steve!”------SONG: When We Were Young by Adele





	When We Were Young

**Author's Note:**

> Absolutely love this song and knew I had to write something for Steve/Bucky as soon as I re-heard it.  
> Words in bold are song lyrics !  
> Just a few snippets of Steve and Bucky in the 40s ! Compliant sorta to Captain America: The First Avenger.  
> Apologies for all spelling/grammatical errors
> 
> ENJOY!

**_‘Everybody loves the things you do’_ **

**_‘From the way you talk’_ **

**_‘To the way you move…’_ **

Bucky sipped his drink, eyeing Steve from across the dingy bar surrounded by the other Commandos in spirit. His smile seemed to brighten the whole room and his now sun-kissed face shined in the light, his head falling backward in laughter. Everything was different about Steve Rogers. He was different to everyone else. He was strong, fast and more importantly, big. He was the guy who saved the dames and defeated the bad guys. The Commandos looked to the blonde as a leader. Everyone did. The way he talked. Moved. Fought. It was every American kid’s dream to grow up and be Captain America. THE Captain America who took down Hitler and stopped the Nazis from taking over their land. The Captain America who was as patriotic as the flag that waved in front of every school’s ground. Steve Grant Rogers was Captain America and everyone saw it.

 

Except to Bucky. To Bucky, he was Steve. His Steve, with the crooked nose and big hands characterised for the boy from Brooklyn who was too dumb to walk away from a fight. He was the Steve who he stopped from doing anything dumb both in school and outside. His Steve who had clumsily broken his arm after running into a pole in the fifth grade because he was too busy eyeing the flowers in confusion as the first ones bloomed a bit too early in the spring time. Bucky had laughed and teased him for this the whole way home while holding an annoyed Steve who refused to cry and kept silent while Bucky issued joke after joke to make his friend crack a smile. His Steve who was with him both on battlefield and playground and who Bucky would not trade anyone in the world for.  


**_‘Everybody here is watching you’_ **

**_‘Cause you feel like home’_ **

**_‘You’re like a dream come true…’_ **

Everyone in the bar instantly fell in love as Steve walked in and Bucky noticed it instantly. A few drinks were passed Steve’s way in high spirits and a patriotic manner, hoping to catch a glimpse of America’s newest hero. The Star Spangled Man with a Plan. America’s Golden Boy. The Living Legend everyone whispered about on their way to their seats. No one stopped talking about the man who had saved his friends and took down HYDRA all with props and a glorified manner to him. He slithered into everyone’s conversations at work, the bus stops, the train station, schools, cabs. Everyone everywhere talked about their American hero who outlined nation and its morals they held dear to their heart at this time.

 

The Captain America theme played lowly throughout the night and reminded everyone of the man they had to thank for their lives. He was no more a ‘simpleton with a shield’ but now simply a symbol of courage for all Americans, young and small. His build was every man’s dream and every woman’s interest. His form reminded all of the Greek Gods and the sculptures painted around museums. He was everyone’s favourite war hero and was treated as one.

 

The American people made up their mind about Steve now. But, Bucky already had an idea of how amazing Steve could be. And he didn’t need a shield or some fancy outfit to prove to him that. Steve’s loud, belly-filled laugh rang across the room and made Bucky smirk at the fond memories of them getting in trouble in class for giggling at the far back. Steve, being Steve, simply obliged and apologised while the older one of the two rolled his eyes and teased him for being a “teacher’s pet”. They had gone for ice cream afterward where Steve took to sketching the buildings they had taken accustomed to sitting in front of every day after school before leaving for home.

 

\--

 

 _“You always gonna walk me home, Stevie? I’m feelin’ like a right ol’ dame sometimes with your gentleman-like manners” Bucky teased him one day after school in which he got a light punch to his shoulder in return and scoff from the blond who sketched his heart away as they spoke under the shade. Bucky took to noticing Steve’s features as he did so and noticed the way his blonde hair fell down in front of his eyes as he focused intensely on the pen marks in front of him. He noticed the way Steve bit his lips and frowned when he drew out of the line and started over with a frustrated groan before erasing his work and starting a new one, ignoring the sounds around them._  
  


_“You always know how to woo a man, don’t you, Buck?” Steve murmured in playful annoyance while Bucky smirked at the comment and took to silence, enjoying their time together like he always did after school. He had a lot of friends but never one like Steve. They lived in the same neighbourhood. Went to the same school. Had the same likes and dislikes (sometimes). Understood each other. Cared for one another. Followed each others footsteps. The two Brooklyn boys were each others anchor. Bucky was Steve’s reminder of home and Steve was his. The way they felt around each other followed them for many hours after they left to go to their respective houses. While not being around each other all the time, Bucky was Steve’s reminder of home and Steve was his._

_\--_

**_‘But if by chance, you’re here alone’_ **

**_‘Can I have a moment before I go?’_ **

 

Bucky was alone at the bar and shakily drew invisible circles on it as the voices of the men laughing at the end of the bar brought him back to reality. His head snapped up at one particular laugh and caused a soft, sad smile to form. Steve was shaking his head at someone’s joke across the table and was inputting his own line in. He waved his arms around unknowingly like he did when he told stories and seemed to grasp the attention of all the men well, with all their eyes glued on to Steve in interest. He remembered always doing that when they were younger and doing it not as well when they had time together. He longed for a conversation with his friend. It had been a few months to Steve but to Bucky, it had been forever since he actually sat down and talked about anything at all with him, longing for the party to just be over with so his wish would be fulfilled.

 

\--

  
_The breeze was beautiful and fresh. Just the thing the two boys needed for their summer break, dipping their feet in the cold ocean water. Bucky smiled brightly and allowed the light from the sun to bounce off his face in content, closing his eyes as the wind whispered sweet nothings into his ear. The waves formed conversations with him and moved slowly and gently, splashing his legs with little force. He giggled at the sensation every time and splashed some of the water on to Steve next to him. The shocked blond took this as a challenge and ran towards Bucky with his rolled up pants, careful not to fall in. He took large leaps towards his friend and shoved him slightly, splashing water on his pants in revenge. Bucky smirked menacingly and tackled Steve down, pushing him until his whole body met the ocean floor, his clothes all wet by now. Bucky laughed in triumph, wrestling Steve down with little force as the younger tried to force him off. They both laughed carelessly, the sunset joining them with the introduction of lights on their faces and shone in respect to the waves. Others walked past them and scoffed at the two almost adult men playing play wrestling at the beach, in the narrow ocean floor with little respect for those around them in regards to their voices ringing out in laughter._

_“Buck! No! Get off! I’m serious” Steve said strictly after a while and pushed the brunette off, frowning down at his clothes and groaned, walking away. Bucky tilted his head curiously, calling Steve back and rushed after him after a while. Steve took his towel and shivered as the sun was about to greet the ocean in order to introduce the moon. Bucky sat next to Steve on the sand, their bodies facing the sunset and were met with silence for a few minutes._  
  
_“Steve. I’m sorry” Bucky said quietly after a while, looking at both of them. He knew why Steve was like this. He had wet his clothes and was scared his Ma would be disappointed. Bucky knew this was never going to be the case and that Steve’s mother would never get angry at her son for having fun. But, the blonde still had a sinking feeling every time he disobeyed anything she said, especially due to her recent illnesses that put her at a loss for words sometimes. Steve shook his head and shivered, shrugging as he turned to face Bucky._  
  
_“Ain’t your fault. I just let you tackle me, jerk. Was getting a bit too sunny and hot for my liking anyway” Even when mad, Steve always had a way of trying to make conversation. They never stayed mad at each other and that was just a thing between them. Always had been. Bucky frowned slightly and noticed Steve’s shivers as he wrapped himself up tighter with the already damp towel. He rolled his eyes and placed his arm around Steve’s small physique, bringing him closer, exchanging warmth as they spoke through the sunset and even after the moon made its way in. Steve’s mood lightened as Bucky rambled on about his pulp novels and the songs that he heard on his way to school the other day that he disliked, calling them a “disgrace to the music community as we know it.”. He also rambled on about his ideas for a story he always claims he’s going to make when he’s older, the thoughts seemingly rushing through each second._  
  
_“You’ll see, Stevie. When I’m older, I’m gonna write so many books. About you and me. The adventures of the two Brooklyn boys who just can’t sit still and listen to Ms Anna go on about the law of Newton” he grimaced at the ending and made Steve laugh louder than he had in a while, his head tilting back to touch Bucky’s arm that was wrapped around his shoulder. The dampness of his hair and the coldness that came with it didn’t bother Bucky. He was too entranced in something else to take notice. Something he wanted to keep forever in memory._

_\--_

 

Bucky swallowed the strong flavour of the drink and shook his head harshly to rid himself of the taste, shutting his eyes as he did so. His head lowered and he tried to drown the voices out from around him, attempting to delve into another thought other than the ones swimming in his head. His lips quivered and he bit on them in control until he could taste the metallic flavour. Taking another sip of his drink, Bucky rubbed his eyes vigorously and forced himself to calm down as he grew frustrated with every drink that didn’t do the trick. The serum worked and he hated it. It didn’t make him drunk. It didn’t rid him of the memories of the month’s prior; the tests, the experiments, the blood, the shock. All of the mechanisms used by HYDRA while he was under their spell. Under their control. He couldn’t stop. He was too weak. Too young. _Too simple-minded,_ they had told him, _the damn American. Turn up the volt._ The Brooklyn boy screamed into the dark, calling out for anyone to save him from his future being ripped away by electricity, the same thing he was excited for previously about the coming future.  
  
Bucky had protested loudly against the agents when he first was taken from the crowd of soldiers. His life had flashed before his eyes. The memories. His siblings, his parents, Steve; they all came in his mind and talked him softly. Telling him to let go, to reach out for them and to be pulled back in. Back to a time of peace and tranquillity where his thoughts were only filled with song, dance, and rambles he would either write on paper or voice to those around him. Bucky didn’t feel like himself again and he knew it as soon as the first volt of electricity surged through his body. He didn’t feel like himself after the warmth came through and the serum had taken rest in him. The machines greeted him in a malicious manner and granted him access to their schemes.  He didn’t feel like himself after the hundredth cry out to the sky begging the Heavens to _“Help him”_ and _“Save him”_ from anything coming. Bucky felt himself leave his body and in his place, a solemn man who repeated his orders and did what he was told because he had to. No more did he write down his thoughts and express his emotions. No more did he protest. No more did he urge for others around him to listen. He was exhausted, broken and ripped apart piece by piece. He hid all this in a shell of a man who had once boomed with pride at his ability to memorise song lyrics and dance on key to any Fitzgerald or Armstrong song. Bucky desperately wanted to reach out to Steve across the bar like Steve had once reached out in his mind. The depths of his minds urged for him to walk over to Steve and take him outside, to rant on his thoughts, to hold him through the night and stay like that until the war ended. Bucky drank his thoughts instead and craved a sweet release into the night, away from all his troubles.

 

**_‘Cause I’ve been by myself all night long’_ **

**_‘Hoping you’re someone I used to know’_ **

After the event, Bucky left his seat and made his way to his cabin he shared with Steve, settling down on the edge of the bed. He had tried to have fun that night. If not for him, for Steve. The same Steve who made his way over to Bucky and made conversation with him. His Steve. Bucky’s forged smile for him forced it’s way out and instead brought in a solemn expression that stared off into the distance of the small room, eyeing the door’s key hole. His eyes lingered on the darkness of the inside and reminded him of his past confinements, the coldness of the room resonated with the coldness of the past few months. The smallness of the hole signified his thoughts of his place in the world at the time; a speck of dust in the universe and an even smaller insignificant speck in the cages of HYDRA where he was poked and played with like a circus animal, forced to do their acts. He was the key that unlocked HYDRA’s plans and he wished so bad to have been the wrong fit. Bucky’s tired eyes were shadowed by his hair now falling on his forehead in the same lack of effort he had at the end of his torture. His past self would have protested loudly amongst the men. But, he was defeated by the end along with his sprit being ripped out along recklessly with the innocence of his youth.

 

\--

 _Steve hugged his knees to his chest at night on his bed after locking his room door. His mom was ill and he couldn’t do anything about it. She was literally on her death bed and here he was, moping about and feeling sorry for himself when he should really be there for the woman who had cared for him in his sorry states. He had to go see her. But, he couldn’t. Not only because he wasn’t allowed by his mother who told him to get some rest, but by himself. He feared his own reaction at seeing her pale expression and thin fingers. The disease had finally caught up to her and Steve was not there to pull her away from safety fast enough. Steve tried being strong for her in front of her. He hadn’t cried, hadn’t complained. He didn’t want to trouble her like that. Especially not now. His big hands wrapped around his knees tighter as he buried his face on them, wishing so desperately he had her to hold him close. Her warmth was replaced with the icy coldness of her skin that the disease brought her. He shuddered at the thought and took a few deep breathes, using his inhaler when he could._  
  
_At the sound of a knock on his window, Steve’s head shot up, his eyes red and puffy from his silent cries. Bucky balanced on the edge of the strong tree branch and helped himself balance with the edge of Steve’s window, waving at the blonde to let him in. Steve sighed and sniffed, hesitating before opening up the window a crack and then fully, letting an exasperated and out of breath Bucky in. Shaking his head from the leaves that might have caught on, Bucky ruffled his own hair and exhaled in content as he settled on Steve’s bed taking his shoes off first. He’s done this a thousand times. Comforted Steve in times of adversity and the other doing the same for him. Noticing Steve’s small stature closing in on himself, Bucky gently unwrapped his thin arms from his knees and gently held his hands._  
  
_“She’s gonna be alright, Steve” Bucky explained softly, not even needing to ask why Steve was so down. He had known for a while and, despite protests from the man himself, comforted him whenever he needed. “She’s strong. Your Ma’s always been strong. Remember that time she shooed away those bullies with a roller?” Bucky attempted to lighten the mood, squeezing Steve’s knee in comfort. They both had taken to squeezing the others knee gently in order to announce to the other in silence that they were there for each other no matter what. Steve, upon hearing his words and feeling the sensation, choked out a half-laugh half-sob and buried his head in knees again, moving his hands away from Bucky’s._  
  
_“I’m supposed to be the sick one. I’m supposed to be the one who’s weak. Not her. It’s not fair, Buck. It’s not-“ Steve mumbled into his knees and choked on his last word, exhaling shakily, fearing his actions if he continued the sentence. Bucky frowned at his statement, forcing Steve to look at him by again squeezing his knee and making him look up at him by his chin gently. “Your Ma is so strong. She always has been. Everyone has their off days. You’ll see. She wouldn’t want you to talk about yourself like that, Stevie. You both are so strong. I know it. Trust me.”_  
  
_Steve stayed silent and Bucky didn’t know whether to take it as good or bad but the lack of protests allowed him to concur that this may be seen as a something fruitful. He moved closer to Steve, sitting next to him closely and wrapped his arms around the other, placing one hand on Steve’s knee gently. After a while, Steve leaned his weight on Bucky and allowed himself to be brought in with the thoughts of the day wearing off and the want for sleep dragging him off. Bucky held him close and played with his hair absent-minded, rubbing his back in comfort even now and drifted off to his own sleep after he heard the light snores from the other filling the room._

 

\--

 

 

Steve took his tie off before entering his shared room and heard the silence of the room, taking it as Bucky sleeping. The darkness of the space allowed his thoughts to be agreed upon before hearing the ruffling of someone on the bed. Turning the night lamp on, Steve saw Bucky’s eyes solemnly staring off at the wall, gripping the edge of the bed hard as if in restraint. His eyes were red yet no tears threatened to leave, as if too afraid to do so. Bucky’s demeanour changed from the event from cocky, smug Bucky to one that Steve was familiar with in Bucky’s off days. However, this Bucky was different. His eyes were soulless, unlike his eyes at the fair in awe of the inventions; they lacked depth and meaning behind them like they had whenever he was sad back then, now only resonating with the emptiness of the room. His white knuckles, formed from his tight grip on the edge, shook as he stared harder at the wall, dissociating himself with reality. His mouth moved slightly, whispering a few words Steve could hear as he walked closer.  
  
_“...Barnes…James Buchanan…Sergeant…”  
“…3-2-5-5-7-0-3-8…” _

It was what Steve had heard Bucky repeat when he saved him from the clutches of HYDRA but hearing it again now was even more heart wrenching for Steve who saw now just how affected his friend was. Of course, he knew of the torture; not the extent but knew it happened. Seeing him now without any pressure, Steve could see how helpless and lost Bucky looked. It seemed like he was trying to remind himself of something either by forced repetition or wanting to remind himself of who he was by his serial number. Whatever this was, Steve knew Bucky was far away mentally and he needed to bring him back. Quickly walking over to his friend, he dropped whatever was in his hands and cupped Bucky’s face in his hands like he did the other time and repeated Bucky’s name.  
  
“Bucky! Bucky. It’s me. It’s Steve. Do you hear me?”

 

Bucky stared at Steve blindly for a few seconds before blinking for what seemed like forever of not and sucked in a sharp breath. He exhaled after a few moments and relaxed his shoulders against Steve’s grasp. “Steve. Steve. God. I’m so sorry” He panted breathlessly after a while, looking away in shame as he realised what the other had just witnessed. He had spent the whole night trying to make the others see him as outgoing and like his old self again while it was physically and especially mentally impossible. He still tried now but was caught out by Steve who titled his chin up with one hand and squeezed his knee gently in comfort, the action relaxing Bucky.  
  
“You don’t gotta act like that ya know, Buck. All okay and stuff. Not in front of me. Not here” Steve whispered lowly, Bucky’s hooded eyes looking up to meet Steve’s ocean blue eyes that reminded Bucky of something familiar that he couldn’t remember in detail. He remembered the sound of the waves and the splashes of water. The innocent laughter of both of them as well as the sound of the groans of the wind at night along the smooth sand. He reminisced on it and tried so hard to remember that day, his eyes boring into Steve’s as he did so. Steve stared back at the eyes of a man he knew who was caged up inside, afraid of getting out.

_“You’re so strong, Buck. It’s okay.”_

\--

****

**_‘You look like a movie’_ **

**_‘You sound like a song’_ **

**_‘My God, this reminds me’_ **

**_‘Of when we were young…’_ **

Bucky stared at Steve getting ready for the day, his order being called abruptly by the General. Low jazz music escaped the turntable as the others got ready, taking Bucky out of his thoughts and into the present. His affinity for the future wore off over time as he stared off into the distance when he was left alone and reminisced on the days gone by, tapping his feet offbeat to the rhythm of the song. Steve smiled softly and squeezed the older man’s knee in shared comfort, reminding him of the young boy who Bucky saw now with his bed hair sticking up slightly and childish smile still worn from the past.  
  
“We’re gonna be okay, Buck.”  

 

\--

_Bucky dragged a reluctant Steve off to the local jazz club at the announcement of the war that got some people excited. America was finally taking the big stage and leading the way! Who wouldn’t be happy except for their enemies? Bucky bounced happily in the line to the club as they waited, looking around in excitement. Steve loved jazz but not as much as Bucky, who owned all albums he loved and recited every lyric to his favourite song when he’s given the chance. The stars in the night danced along with the faint music coming from inside, the moon illuminating Bucky’s face and displaying his excitement even further. Bucky had his hands in his pockets due to the cold but still made them move in tune with the music one could barely hear._  
  
_In the club, he quickly took off his coat and dragged Steve to the bar, ordering them two drinks. “Can’t have fun without a little help, huh?” Bucky winked “Drink up, Rogers. It’s a long night ahead of you. We’re in!” Bucky’s eyes lit up as he drank quickly, calling for one more as soon as he finished his first. Steve rolled his eyes at his friend’s antics and drank his one slowly. His body would not allow him to drink more than one under five minutes or else he might showcase one of his many problems to do with his immune system and oh boy, it wasn’t pretty. He also was a bit of a lightweight and was flushed after only half of his drink, feeling a bit light headed as Bucky rambled on about his day. <\em> _  
  
_“Come on, Stevie! The dance floor’s open!” Bucky laughed in glee and dragged the younger man along with him by the sleeve, abandoning his almost finished glass on the table reluctantly. Steve didn’t know if this was Bucky drunk or Bucky normal because it could as well have been both at the same time or just one. His body jittered with enthusiasm as the music came on, his feet moving to the rhythm. His face was filled with ease and his hair bounced along with him, it’s curliness and fluffiness escaping the slight bit of gel he had attempted to put on to make it stay put. Steve felt self conscious dancing in front of everyone but quickly realised that everyone here paid attention to themselves or the person in front of them and were too preoccupied to realise two men dancing together in 1940s Brooklyn at a club. Bucky’s charm filled the room and gained the attention of some of the ladies around who giggled in his direction. The man in question winked at them and made slight conversation, ‘Barnes style’, he called it. As soon as he did and danced with them, he went back to Steve always and continued to dance with him gleefully._

__

_Steve stared at Bucky and the way he moved in awe. He danced as if no one else but them were there and sang at the top of his lungs along with a few others. His moves were in sync with the songs and his characteristic one of those in film, all exhilarated and jittery. Steve thought he could watch him dance all night long, wanting to take a snap shot of this moment in any way he possibly could, however that may be achieved. Bucky stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Steve’s shoulder, bringing the blonde closer. Steve’s breath hitched as he looked around in fear and was met with a scoff._  
  
_“No one cares here, Steve, trust me. Everyone’s here to have some fun! Live a little, Rogers” He smugly grinned and slurred in his speech slightly, swaying his hips to the song now that was slow in tune. The sounds of the saxophone paired with the low singing of the singer masked the warmth Bucky gave off in the small space. He hummed along and closed his eyes to the rhythm. Steve still felt a bit tense but was brought back to relief by Bucky who kept reassuring him that no one cared and that nothing would happen._  
  
_"Stop living in the past, man. This is the future! We’re finally living, Steve!”_

_\--_

**_‘Let me photograph you in this light’  
‘In case it is the last time that we might’ _ **

**_‘Be exactly like we were before we realised’_ **

**_‘We were sad of getting old, it made us restless’_ **

**_‘It was just like a movie’_ **

**_‘It was just like a song…’_ **

The shutter of the camera broke Bucky out of the daze he was brought into and forced him to stare in the direction of the sound in confusion. At the realisation of the camera at the front, he beamed widely, nudging Steve in the direction of it. “Hey, look, big shot. It’s your best friend. All actors love their camera time, right?” Bucky teased Steve’s past acting jobs and grinned happily at the look of annoyance on Steve’s face, always the same as it was when he was younger. It was times like this that rid Bucky of his thoughts for one moment, even for a second. Times where he could see Steve’s smile lines and make out his annoyance by the scrunch of his crooked nose and rolling of his eyes. The light shining on Steve’s eyes exemplified the colour, putting Bucky in a state of relaxation at the calm, kind look they had. He looked so perfect, standing there next to the brunette in his form, looking at the camera as The Man with a Plan. Bucky almost didn’t recognise him until Steve turned away and made an exaggerated tired face at his friend, making the other snicker. They had been there for a while, standing there in order for the photos be taken perfectly and precisely.  
  
“We’re wasting our film on this, I’ll tell you that” Bucky explained loudly, earning a jab to the ribs with Steve’s elbow, making him laugh quietly with a shrug. Steve was all about manners, even if it meant standing in the freezing cold while they had their pictures taken. Bucky exhaled exaggeratedly and looked around.  
  
“Okay. Now. Look happy. Like the Captain just told a joke.” The camera man quipped in after a while, noticing the solemn and bored expression produced by the Sergeant. Bucky scoffed and looked at Steve who already knew what was coming. “Steve? Telling a joke? Almost impossible as a guy in tights saving a whole country”. Of course, Steve’s outfit and role meant more and Bucky knew that. His joke earned him a laugh from Steve who took it lightly and produced smile lines at the edge of his eyes as he beamed widely. Bucky couldn’t help but laugh with him as well, scrunching his nose up as he did.  
  
“Okay, now act like you’re friends. All comfortable”  
  
At this, Bucky scoffed once more and explained that “We are friends!” in which Steve, already smiling, laughed even more, turning his head to stare at Bucky who now had his head lowered down in laughter. He shook his head in disbelief and looked away as he heard the snap shot of the camera and film being made. The camera man was flushed and apologise, thanking them for their time. He scurried away like a frightened fifth grader and went on to develop his work.  
  
“You really had to do that, huh, Buck?”  
  
“You know me. Ever the chatter. _Never grows old.”_

 

_//_

**_‘I was so scared to face my fears’_ **

**_‘Nobody told me that you’d be here’_ **

**_‘And I swear you moved overseas’_ **

 

Bucky Barnes had many fears. He never spoke of them publicly but he had them alright. His number one fear was heights and he promised himself never to go anywhere above Steve’s tree. He already sacrificed enough to go up there. If he went anymore up, he’d probably never want to go back down again in the fear that the journey there would be unpleasant. Staying where he was when he had the chance was the way to live, he realised.  


\--

 _“Ready to comply, Sargent?”_  
  
_Bucky’s eyes snapped open as he was brought back by a volt of energy. His arms felt electric and his face surged with warmth as if on fire. His eyes grew wide and the humming of engines accompanied his confusion as he looked around desperately. He was still here. After how many months, he didn’t care to count. He just knew that he was somewhere in which the souls of the damned rested and were brought upon to complete missions for the enemy._

_He didn’t hear the question, only realised the setting he was in. The dark, eerie plane was speeding up above the skies as if in a race. Bucky’s heart thudded louder and louder in his ears as the sound of the plane and his heart both in sync muted the voices of the HYDRA agents around him. Cold sweat trickled down his sides and neck at the placing of his body up in the air probably a thousand feet up. The coldness of the wind from the opened door raced to his spine where chills ran up in a race, meeting at his neck which had his back hairs stand up in a line. His hands gripped the edge of his seat tightly in fear, his face automatically looking out the window, the scene allowing his face to grow paler than snow on a winter’s day. A weight seemed to press on his tight knotted chest, robbing him of breath and speech. The fear twisted and turned like the plane he felt like did the same action while in reality going in a straight line._  
  
_“I repeat. Sargent, are you ready to comply with this mission?”_  
  


_The almost robotic yet demanding tone of a man’s voice made Bucky turn quickly towards the source of the voice. The man stood tall and barely moved even while in a tumbling plane like the one they were in. Thunder cracked and allowed Bucky to wince harshly, his eyes tightening, looking away from the door and it’s impending doom that awaited him. The water from the rain seeped through the ceiling of the plane and dripped down on to Bucky’s hand, making him flinch away but immediately regret the decision as he moved slightly on his seat due to loss of grip._

_“N-no. Please“_  
  
_Another surge of electricity was shot through and this time, Bucky’s mind went numb. The man had apparently had enough of Bucky’s silent treatment and pleads and instead took matters into his own hands. Sargent Bucky Barnes under HYDRA control was now in order and unclasped his hand from the edge. His fingers regained circulation and moved with his body as he crouched, moving towards the door. His solemn expression stayed in place as he looked out at the icy winter night, with thunder rumbling and rain pouring harshly. The wind rushed past his face as if grabbing him and pulling him down. Bucky looked down boredly and looked back at the man. They both nodded at each other as he was given a parachute and didn’t waste time in his action. Without any bit of hesitation, the brunette leaped from the plane, making his way into the city of clouds, the thunder going closer to the plane and rattling its engines slightly._

_\--_

The others and Steve and Bucky were at their usual bar, chatting away into the night after a job well done of taking down Nazis. Steve had treated them all to drinks, even Bucky who wanted to decline but didn’t, in fear of questions as to why. All the guys teased Steve for not being able to get drunk and didn’t question Bucky, not knowing of his fate. They figured the war just changed people like that. In a way, it did. Bucky didn’t mind. He didn’t miss the taste and sensation all that much as he drank one and felt the rush of alcohol down his throat, attacking it as it raced down.

“You did WHAT, Cap?!”

Bucky was snapped out of his thoughts by one of the guys staring at Steve wide-eyed in admiration and fear. The others all followed his reaction as Steve shyly shrugged and blushed. His big structure simplified the fact that he now looked small under the stares of the others, making Bucky chuckle even before knowing the context of the conversation.  
  
“Yeah. Yeah. Jumping out of a plane without help is harder than it looks, fellas, I’ll tell you that”  
  
Steve’s smug grin wasn’t taken into account by Bucky who now was pale-faced and gulped. He suddenly experienced a trembling fear that he hadn’t felt for a while. The room felt small and he felt suffocated as he tuned out the conversation, only the scene of Steve jumping out of a plane without a parachute. He clenched his jaw and stared holes into Steve who now looked at Bucky with wide eyes, realising what had been said. Bucky’s fear of heights had been well versed by the two of them, with Bucky’s late night rats revolving around his deepest fears as high school kids.

 

\--  
_“People are crazy if they think flying is a cool super power. Why would you even wanna fly? It’s reckless and dumb.”_  
  
_“Buck, you’re only saying that cause you’re scared of heights”_  
  
_“Yeah. Promise me you won’t ever be that stupid?”_  
  
_“Promise”_

\--

“You. Did. What?” Bucky said through clenched teeth, his jaw tightening as he stood up slowly and stared at Steve more intensely. Steve gulped and opened his mouth to speak and stopped when he saw Bucky’s eyes bore into his in fear and anger. His face was burning and he was visibly shaking. The others quieted down and stared at the both of them, the scene only playing out in their table but gaining an audience from those close to them. Bucky didn’t care. How could Steve be so reckless? Not only did he jump out, but he jumped out of a plane without any help!  
  
“Buck. I had to get you-“  
  
“To Hell with me! You could’ve died! Do you understand?” Bucky spoke as quietly as he possibly could when angry, his voice raw and shaky, his face bright red with anger and emotion. His hands formed fists on the table, his attention only on the man in front of him who reminded him of the reckless teenager that fought bullies twice his size with no care for himself. That was okay. It wasn’t going to kill him. Bucky knew that much. He trusted Steve with all that. But this? This was different.  “You could’ve died, Steve.”  
  
With his final word and without looking back, he turned away and walked out of the bar, not wanting to make a scene in front of the others, in fear that his emotions would get the better of him. The smell of sweat and rum bore into his nostrils as he walked past the bar,  physically making him sick and making him rush as fast as he could towards his cabin, the sensation making him quicken his steps. The world had fallen away with a few words. Bucky’s mind had shut off with a few words and was taken in by anger, hearing a few footsteps behind him.  
  
Back in the room, Bucky angrily tore off his jacket and threw it on his bed, sitting on the edge of it. His hair was in a mess and his face filled with red anger. He felt powerless and frustrated at the thought. It didn’t help that the rain outside matched the one from that day he himself was on a plane and did the very thing he was powerless against Steve on. He always used to be there when he did reckless actions or at least after. But now, he couldn’t be there. He was being tortured by others while Steve tortured himself in order to save Bucky, he realised. The thought made his heart wrench and bare his teeth, finding it difficult to hear with the numbness of his head at the moment. If Steve had died, Bucky would have to live with that forever. It would always be on his conscious that his best friend had gone ahead and literally sacrificed himself in order to save him. Bucky. The man whose brain had been played with so much, he didn’t know which thoughts he could trust anymore.

 

A knock on the door took Bucky out of his thoughts for a second, his head staying down. He kept his eyes on the floor, knowing who came in at the sound of the soft closing of the door and the light footsteps towards him almost in fear.  
  
“Buck”  
  
Steve’s voice filled the quiet room, his stature bending down and kneeling in front of Bucky to get a better look at him. Bucky’s eyes moved away from Steve’s face, looking away again at anything at all. He held his own hands in his, allowing silence to consume the room and place them both in an uncomfortable position. It was not awkward silence neither was it comfortable. It was a feeling that Steve or Bucky had never felt together. They had gotten mad at each other and fallen into this trap but never at this extent. Bucky examined his hands, playing with it silently in order to calm himself down.  
  
“Leave me alone, Steve” Bucky finally spoke up as he saw Steve’s mouth move as if to protest. The words fell out of his mouth as if sitting there for a long time. The other respected his decision and frowned, closing his mouth tightly and fell back into silence. The thunder rumbled and shook the walls of the cabin, making Bucky flinch and shy away from the sound. Steve noticed this and reached out but thought against it. The fear of doing anything wrong at that moment made it worse. Instead, he opted for a gentle squeeze of Bucky’s knee and quickly sat up, moving away to take his own jacket off, looking away.  
  
As soon as he turned around, Steve heard a quiet sniffle and turned around quickly, witnessing Bucky’s whole body shake and his face completely change from one of solemn to one of fear and complete worry. Everything felt so fast and the room was spinning for the brunette whose thoughts all came raining down on him harder than the weather outside their cabin that interrupted their silence. Steve quickly sat next to Bucky, pulling him closer, ignoring the shoves from Bucky who was now too weak and fragile to really do anything. No tears came out of his eyes yet he quietly sobbed as if on demand. His tears had been a prisoner of HYDRA as well as his emotions for a few months. Getting the freedom of it all back as well as getting Steve back was finally getting to him.

 

“You promised”  
  
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” Steve whispered into Bucky’s hair as he kissed his head gently, lingering there for a few moments, taking in his close presence, feeling Bucky’s shudder under. His arms tightened around Bucky whose whole body moved with his fear, relating to his previous thoughts. His face gave Steve all his answers that he was scared to realise. Bucky was scared for him because of his own fear. Bucky was afraid of heights and in return was scared for his best friend to be in a position like that, especially one that he dealt with so severely.

Bucky Barnes had many fears. His number one fear was heights and thought that was about it for now. Turns out Bucky had another fear that was maybe even greater for him; The thought of his loved ones experiencing fear or death without saying goodbye.

**_‘That’s what you said when you left me’_ ** _  
\--_

_“Bucky!”_

_“Grab my hand!”_  


“No!”

_\--_

 

Steve witnessed his life flash before his eyes multiple times in his life and realised finally that it was no coincidence that his life consisted of the two most important people in his life. Bucky and Steve’s Ma both appeared in his dreams as he woke up from a cold sweat after the events of the recent days. His eyes scanned the room and would always land on the empty, cold unmade bed next to him. Drinking had not worked. Nothing would work for Steve now that Bucky was gone and he could have done something. He was Captain America (Only by name, apparently). All he had to do was go closer. All he had to do was reach out more. Lean in. Anything.  
  
_“All I had to do was hold him”_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for all mistakes/errors once again! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it :) !


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